Sometimes I wish my life were a movie so I can compose my own screenplay and have things how I want them. I wish I were in my own movie which I can rewind, overwrite, and reshoot. My own movie in which I can choose the cast I want to deal with.

Because I'm one selfish bitch. Too selfish that sometimes, I deliberately disregard the blessings that come my way. One selfish bitch who tends to dwell on the inconveniences that turn of events bring her.

One selfish bitch who knows that she shouldn't be. And that's what I need to learn to take control of. Discard the bad vibes, in with the good.

And I come to that same conclusion everytime I reflect. Yet every single time, I lose the drive to move on. Then I go back and dwell on the things I've been comfortable with; condemning whatever brought me inconvenience.

So yeah, some selfish bitch I am.

I've been trying to write about our weekend with RO, but I just can't seem to find the words. Or maybe because I can't remember much, because more than half of the time, I was too wasted to function.

Friday. We had dinner at The Old Spaghetti House in Libis. Catching up ang drama. After ng dinner, hindi namin malaman kung saan pupunta. Comedy bar? Antipolo? Somewhere South? We ended up drinking at Grilla. I got too wasted and ended up being practically dragged up our hotel room. I should have gone with the comedy bar option. Eto yung cheap na wasted moment. Yung nagbasag ka lang. And I seriously couldn't remember anything concrete after the last picture taken of us na maayos ako. I lost 1 hour of my life. And it felt real bad. Meda pa nila ako. I felt bad at nahiya ako sa kanila. I ended up crying myself to sleep. And yeah, I find it ok to tell the story now. After all, nobody knew where those tears came from, not even I. Natatawanan ko na lang yung eksena namin nina Aika and Lea sa hotel na tinatry pa nila akong i-comfort habang nag-a-Angelica Panganiban ako. I never opened my eyes. Never acknowledged anything. Now, that was a scene. hahaha.

Saturday. Pseudo-Project 151. KR and GM mixed again at Carla's place. This was what Kriska, Grace, Jay, and I have long been waiting for. It didn't go exactly as we planned, pero masaya kami that night. Kasi yun yung parang yung dati. Kulang, pero enjoy. And mind you, Rozz even flew in from HKG to spend the weekend with BB Robee. Even if Kriska had to pull off a Cinderella, and even if we missed her in the "after-party," I must say that that weekend rocked. We checked in after hanging out at Carla's place. We still had bottles of vodka and whiskey with us, and a can of pineapple juice to mix them with. Eh wala naman kaming can opener. We ended up downing Raspberri in pure. Tubig at ice lang ang chaser. Jay's fantasy of habulang gahasa and habulang tulungan didn't happen; instead, we found ourselves singing our lungs out -- documented in 30 minutes' worth of video.

I had this entry drafted two weeks ago. Haven't gotten the drive to finish it until now. Two weeks earlier, despite loaded thoughts about that weekend, I still couldn't put the feeling into words. I tried recounting what we did so I can email Yvette and make her feel the fun we had, but it didn't work, and I still haven't come up with a decent readable entry.

I watched our videoke videos attentively. SOBRANG nakakahiya; major social suicide. Kahit nakapikit lang ako most of the time habang kumakanta. Pero doon ko narealize na talagang nag-enjoy ako nung weekend na yun. (hahaha makasarili, hindi ko naman weekend yon!) Narealize ko how much I missed Yvette, Kathleen, and Robee. How much I enjoyed 2008 with them. How much I still enjoy being with them, despite the long time we've been apart. Kasi kahit sabihin nating wala ako masyadong maalala habang kinakanta namin (Rozz, Jer, Jay) ang mga yun, habang pinapanood ko yung videos namin, nafifeel ko kung gaano ko kamahal tong mga taong to. Hindi lang ang aking videoke buddies that night, pero silang lahat. Every single person. Kaya siguro kami emosyonal din masyado.

Ako ba namang maiyak sa intro pa lang ng Stop (Spice Girls), diba? Kasi yan ang favorite videoke song namin last year. And when we hear that song, mega-flashback ang memories.

Can I just share that we have 6 sets of videos?! With consent namang kinuhanan yan. But we were too wasted to be conscious of what we were doing while singing.

Set 1:
It's My Life - Bon Jovi
Ironic - Alanis Morissette
Black or White - Michael Jackson
Bitch - Meredith Brooks

Set 2:
Dancing in September - Earth, Wind, & Fire
So Slow - Freestyle
Sway - Bic Runga
Stop - Spice Girls

Set 3:
Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
Don't Speak - No Doubt

Vid 4: Dreamlover - Mariah Carey

Vid 5: For You I Will - Monica

Set 6: Graduation Series
Count on Me - Whitney Houston
jer: "friendship!"
rozz: "kaya umuwi ako ng HKG eh!"
gdwn: (tuloy tuloy lang sa pag-iyak)
jay: (intro next song) "Eto naman, pang-college!"

Thanks To You - Tyler Collins


Odiba. Ang ipinangako kong kwento ng weekend namin eh naging reflection paper. EQ booster, pota.


Ang bilis kasi. After we've found out that Robee was on leave, the next thing we knew, nasa MNL na siya at binisita kami sa office. And we just got together during the weekend. Bitin. Pero ang sarap nung feeling na magkakasama kami ulit. Parang tulad lang talaga nung dati. Narealize ko na lang ulit na Robee was not supposed to stay nung tapos na yung weekend.

And that was my closing paragraph, drafted two weeks ago. Walang kwenta, bitin din.

And here I am now, wallowing in melancholy brought about by the weather. Two weeks later, I finally found the drive to write again. Ewan ko ba kung bakit hirap na hirap akong tapusin to. Ang panget kasi ng simula kaya hindi ko madugtungan. Pero gusto ko kasi siyang i-share.

Anyway, so this is two weeks later. Two weeks later and I get to laugh at the videoke videos already. More than the social suicide that it is, like Lea said, it's not about the number of people you're with but who you are with. And I love these people. And while typing this down, I realize that I'm still dwelling on 2008. Back when everything else was simpler. Back when all of us were here and just celebrating good times.

Back when Kriska and I never reached our EQ limit. Back when we Playmates didn't need drinking sessions to get by. Back when I could easily put down my thoughts into writing. Back when I didn't need to censor anything out.

We're halfway into 2009 and we can't help it but feel miserable at times. Ako nga gusto ko na lang matapos tong taong to eh. Kaya lang iniisip ko, what would change when 2010 kicks in? Of course things would change. Pero not necessarily for my convenience, diba? Kaya we try to keep ourselves busy as much as possible. We find things to look forward to. And these little things do work. Napapangiti naman nila kami. Nadidistract naman kami. But as soon as good times end, we seem to go back to our monotonous lives.

But that's just one way of looking at it. Not the ideal one, though.

Never in my life have I thought I'd be using the word "episode" other than its literary context. But that's how the doctor referred to what happened to me yesterday. And it felt odd.

I wasn't exactly feeling well when I woke up that morning. There was this slight hammering at the back of my head and I felt hot. But since I was just on half day duty and I felt that I was just having my arte moments, I decided to come to work. After all, I had plans that afternoon -- Rozz and I were supposed to have lunch and I wanted to go malling and buy my luggage already.

Yesterday morning was a usual day for coming to work. I was lucky enough to avoid that effin' entry stoppage at the MRT Q.Ave station, which they always do at around 7AM. I was standing in the aisle of the ladies' coach of the MRT so I had a relatively decent space. So I had my earphones on, listening to Avril Lavigne's Complicated on the radio at that time, when I just didn't feel like listening to her anymore. My head was already pounding so bad that time, still bearable though, but I just felt heaviness all over. Then my sight began discoloring. It was a sudden burst of dull yellow at first, then my vision started fading to black, like a flashback scene of a bad memory. I instantly panicked, not too obvious of course (because I was alone), and I tried to keep my eyes open. The last thing I saw was the San Miguel Building and it really got frustrating because I was trying to focus on at least one image but everything seemed to get darker despite my efforts not to shut my eyes. So I blinked, thinking that it would help clear out the darkness. Then I collapsed.

Right. In the MRT station. In Shaw Boulevard. While on my way to the office. How unglamorous could that get?! And that was my first time. I believe I didn't lose consciousness because I was hearing the voices around me. That they even called the guard to get me out the train. And I felt being dragged out to the platform area. Of the Shaw Station. haha.

I remained seated at the guard's post for a while. But just when I was ready to stand up and ride the MRT again, my hands began clenching involuntarily, so I had to knead them discreetly so as not to draw attention. I already looked ridiculous sitting at the guard's post; I didn't want to look more of a freak with my crooked hands. And when I finally got myself together, I stood up and decided to still take the south-bound train and go to work. Because I was thinking of the lunch and the malling after. And because I could have myself checked there.

I think I let 2 trains pass before I decided to just go back home. Aside from the fact that it was dark in that station and I couldn't distinguish whether or not I was having an episode again, my head kept on banging on the inside. If fainting wasn't enough, well I didn't want to embarass myself further by throwing up in public. When I got home and finally laid my head on my pillow, God, it felt like tipsiness that didn't deliver. And that's pathetic.

My mom came home after I texted her what happened, then we did blood and eye tests. Eye test came out clear; blood test showed some irregularities. CT scan turned out negative too. So we're left with neurologic and hematologic tests, which I have yet to undergo since I didn't have time yesterday. And it was raining and I needed the rest today. So there, I'm not yet fully cleared. I'm overreacting, but I can't help it coz I'm not exactly the healthiest person here and I still haven't done all the consultations I need.

What's worse is that my head never ceased throbbing until the last second before I fell asleep last night. And I woke up sweaty despite the rain and the semi-strong wind entering my room. I felt generally ok today; I feel normal, but I'd still feel heaviness in my head occasionally. Until I've had my neuro and hema tests, I would like to believe that I just got burned-out that's why I made a scene yesterday. And that regular dose of iron pills will suffice. And I would still like to believe that even after the neuro and hema tests.

I seriously need erase and rewind right now.

We did Friuli in UP last week. Jer, Jay, Grace and I.
Yesterday, we pigged out again. This time, with Rozz. And the food was LOVE.

Watched BFF after having lunch, then had dinner at Grilla Libis.
Pig out Playmates nung hapon, Drinking Playmates nung gabi -- kasi sumunod si Kriska.

We finally got the chance to get together again after.. kelan ba, last March's Laiya trip pa? Pag kumain naman kasi kami, kinakalimutan ang guilt. At masarap ang kwentuhan. Pagdating naming Grilla past 7pm, kain na naman. Ulit ulit ang sounds, nakakainis. Pero nung pinlay yung Disturbia, SHET, memories of last year's Bora getaway hit me and Kriska. Kaming dalawa na napasayaw kahit hindi namin forte yun. Kaming dalawa na may time limit ang pagdadrama.

By 10pm, mas buhay na ang music, and we kept recounting the moments from Bora last November. Na nakaka-miss, na bakit ba hindi namin ginagawa to last year, nung kumpleto pa kaming CX buddies. We stayed there til around 1am?

With Kriska, alcohol is a must. You'll just know that people are already drunk when they put their hands on fire. Literally. Intentionally. Jay did!

My CX friends and I have been feeling the stress of work lately. It was a Saturday afternoon when my playmates decided to do beaching in Batangas the following week instead of a steady chill-out tambay session to celebrate Jerome's freedom from the hell that is Group Desk. But considering the other trips lined up for this year, I decided not to go; despite the pain I know I'd feel if I wasn't in the pictures.

Then again, after papilit moments, and after my playmates got almost all of our workmates to join that summer getaway, I felt the need of joining the trip. More importantly, Kriska and Grace were mixing again.

So, March 14 it was -- Project 151 as KR/GM call it. Kinikilig na kaming lahat sa excitement. Kasi summer, at halos lahat kami kasama. The "DRS" had been sent out and we were all set to hit the beach. Biggest summer getaway to date; there were 19 of us. It was the same weekend last year when we had our Tagaytay trip. There were 15 of us, and Robee and Yvette were still there. Yea, too early for the drama in this entry, pero every single time, we had a "sana nandito si Robee" moment.

After work that Saturday, four cars after, one stopover for lunch later, and lotsa opinions on the road, we finally got to Laiya. Caught the sunset, may kinakasal pa. Na siyempre hindi namin pinalagpas. And like I said, "If you can't pull off a grand beach wedding, better not do it on the beach." Because observant people will always be there.

Batch by batch, we caught up with each other, at yun na, hindi na nawalan ng alkohol sa kamay tong sina Kriska at Grace. And yeah, true enough, no one touched the alcoholic drinks except for them. And we had no choice but to succumb to every tagay.

We had dinner after the first round, after Coy went all red. Liempo, chicken, and adobo love it was. Thanks to Doña Cruz. After dinner, we playmates had our Anabelle Rama talk, na napakasakit na sa panga, then we realized that people started going back to their rooms to freshen up. This was when Maddie got imbyerns, but KR, VR, LM, and I stayed behind. "Kaya walang nababasag kasi puro sila break!" GM declared with all frustration. hahaha. Pero cool lang, they were able to successfully pull off Project 151 naman after everybody got back. And Lea and Arvin were there to get wasted na rin. Lea and Arvin who had a VERY hectic Saturday, with lotsa events to attend.

And we were up til 5am.

Aside from Kris, Punky, Lea, Arvin... and Jer, and Apol, and Coy. The latter three na talagang tumatakbo at nagtatago, makapunta lang sa mga kwarto nila. Si Jer na tumatakas na naman, dahil na-trauma nung bumagsak siya nung Tagaytay trip last year. Nung dumaldal sya nang bongga. "Dizzetch na aketch!" Pero ok lang. We had fun. It was Jayson's turn to get madaldal this time. And as for Vin, Vino, and Buddy... sila pala ang undisclosed trainors sa Mr. Valentine. Apologize and Breakdown, in dim lighting... you get the picture. hahaha.

The next morning, the beach freaks Kriska, Rozz, Vino, Grace, Jer, and Apol got up at 7am. They woke me up, and for some reason, gumising naman talaga ako at bumangon agad. The bitches finally hit the beach. Krispy-ng krispy. Konting beach hours lang yun. Most of us stayed in our rooms to take short naps.

It was almost noon when that summer getaway officially ended. That was a Sunday, and we'll have to face the reality of work the following day. Well at least, Jer's back on the TS floor again, entertaining passengers with his plasticity. We were looking forward to having Jerome back, because we lost him for a while there when he went through that tormenting inferno at the back office.

One week of planning, and the summer getaway materialized. Love. Thanks to Kriska and Grace. We owe you a lot. You made that trip happen eh. And we'll have more, ok? =P

(So can I work the drama now?)

True, this year's Laiya trip was the biggest getaway to date, but the void that Kat, Yvette, and Robee left can never be filled. Rozz wasn't exaggerating when she said na lagi naming sinasabi na "Sana andito si Robee." If we were to tally how many times we've said those words, daig na daig pa ang TA Summary of Calls na nila-log ko. (Mind you, nakaka-2 pages ako pag nagla-log!) We've always had those moments since you left; since you guys left; and we just felt it more last weekend. (Thanks sa phone patch btw.)

Kat was our favorite impersonation subject. We lost a mascot when MNLKUM left. We miss her mannerisms. We miss her grammatical errors. We were supposed to do "sand vandals" as a reply to her "snow vandals" in YVR. Didn't get to do it though, pero gets? We were thinking about her all the time.

And when there's Kat, there's Robee. That Jinky and Manny video at the Thunderbird Resorts was classic. There was this certain set of songs that reminded us of Robee. When we shot Goodbye before he left, we got inspired to make music videos every month. (Inspired lang, hindi nag-materialize. But still!) So we were supposed to do All Saints' Pure Shores as our "summer vid" and Heart's These Dreams for Kuya. We were too tired to shoot that weekend, pero dibale, in time, magagawa din namin yan! At basta, it's just that Robee not being with us is simply not the same.

And Yvette, of course. Coy reminded us of Yvette, pero siyempre, Yvette is Yvette. And that space that she left will always be hers. Isa pa yang si Yvette na sobrang game sa kahit anong bagay. Kahit inaantok na. Kahit masakit na ang paa kakalakad! That Batangas weekend was the weekend before her regularization in EY. Of course, we couldn't have known, alangan namang pangunahan namin ang Mar16. But anyway, Yvette, just take it as your pre-reg party. =)

So before this entry gets all incoherent again, let me end it na.