"Stop Me" Quotes

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pinost ni Kim sa bulletin board ng Friendster:

Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ: What do you take me for?! Granted?

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Guard, answering the telephone: Hello?... Ah yes, for a while. Please hang yourself.

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Starlet in an interview: If the odds are against me, then I will against them.

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Inday Badiday asks a starlet about her mother's burial:
Inday: Kumusta ang libing ng nanay mo?
Starlet: Successful naman po.

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Army officer to cadet:
Officer: "Do you know why I ask you to stand?"
Cadet: "No, sir."
Officer: "Ok, why?"

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Teacher to students: Baka gusto nyong ibilad ko kayo sa covered courts.

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Teacher: Class, I want you to watch sex scenes.
Class: What?! Teacher!
Teacher: What's wrong? It's a beautiful film starring Bros Welles!
Class: Aah, Sixth Sense!

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Sa isang examination:
Student: Mam, pwedeng gumamit ng liquid paper?
Teacher: Ang kulit naman! Sinabi nang pad paper lang eh.

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A reporter interviews a politician about the Philippine economy.
Politician says: Talagang mahirap ang buhay natin ngayon. Pero slow by slow, we will success.

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Teacher: Sorry, class. I'm late. My mother died three years ago. And now she's dead.

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Overheard at a fastfood chain:
Yaya: Ma'm, gusto po ni Mark ng KIDNEY MEAL!

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Teacher: What is your name?
Student: Dell.
Teacher: What is your old?

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Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight circles and find your height alphabetically! (hahaha parang yung host nung debut ni bea!)

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Teacher to students: Okay class, it's time to go home. Form a line and pass out slowly.

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Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your father and your mother, especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me, right here, right now!

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Emcee, in a party: The next song is the favorite song of my best friend, and neither do I!

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Teacher: Oy, magdala kayo ng chip ahoy a.
Student: Miss may "s" yon...
Teacher: A, sorry. Chip ahoys!
(hahaha parang yung pronounciation sa name ni arix nung grade8!)

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Alma Moreno, in her show introduces Nora Aunor who comes in late: Finally, please welcome, the late Nora Aunor
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever. But we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. [bakit, ilan ba tuhod mo?]

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle [hala, mapa nga tayo diyan]

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. [haha sino?]

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"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -- Dan Quayle [very much.]

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Dan Quayle, VP

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!" – Dan Quayle, VP

"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." -- Dan Quayle,
VP [they made him swim home after that one]

[hindi rin suki tong si Dan Quayle no?]

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina [surely. Hahaha]

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"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." --
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]