Never in my life have I thought I'd be using the word "episode" other than its literary context. But that's how the doctor referred to what happened to me yesterday. And it felt odd.

I wasn't exactly feeling well when I woke up that morning. There was this slight hammering at the back of my head and I felt hot. But since I was just on half day duty and I felt that I was just having my arte moments, I decided to come to work. After all, I had plans that afternoon -- Rozz and I were supposed to have lunch and I wanted to go malling and buy my luggage already.

Yesterday morning was a usual day for coming to work. I was lucky enough to avoid that effin' entry stoppage at the MRT Q.Ave station, which they always do at around 7AM. I was standing in the aisle of the ladies' coach of the MRT so I had a relatively decent space. So I had my earphones on, listening to Avril Lavigne's Complicated on the radio at that time, when I just didn't feel like listening to her anymore. My head was already pounding so bad that time, still bearable though, but I just felt heaviness all over. Then my sight began discoloring. It was a sudden burst of dull yellow at first, then my vision started fading to black, like a flashback scene of a bad memory. I instantly panicked, not too obvious of course (because I was alone), and I tried to keep my eyes open. The last thing I saw was the San Miguel Building and it really got frustrating because I was trying to focus on at least one image but everything seemed to get darker despite my efforts not to shut my eyes. So I blinked, thinking that it would help clear out the darkness. Then I collapsed.

Right. In the MRT station. In Shaw Boulevard. While on my way to the office. How unglamorous could that get?! And that was my first time. I believe I didn't lose consciousness because I was hearing the voices around me. That they even called the guard to get me out the train. And I felt being dragged out to the platform area. Of the Shaw Station. haha.

I remained seated at the guard's post for a while. But just when I was ready to stand up and ride the MRT again, my hands began clenching involuntarily, so I had to knead them discreetly so as not to draw attention. I already looked ridiculous sitting at the guard's post; I didn't want to look more of a freak with my crooked hands. And when I finally got myself together, I stood up and decided to still take the south-bound train and go to work. Because I was thinking of the lunch and the malling after. And because I could have myself checked there.

I think I let 2 trains pass before I decided to just go back home. Aside from the fact that it was dark in that station and I couldn't distinguish whether or not I was having an episode again, my head kept on banging on the inside. If fainting wasn't enough, well I didn't want to embarass myself further by throwing up in public. When I got home and finally laid my head on my pillow, God, it felt like tipsiness that didn't deliver. And that's pathetic.

My mom came home after I texted her what happened, then we did blood and eye tests. Eye test came out clear; blood test showed some irregularities. CT scan turned out negative too. So we're left with neurologic and hematologic tests, which I have yet to undergo since I didn't have time yesterday. And it was raining and I needed the rest today. So there, I'm not yet fully cleared. I'm overreacting, but I can't help it coz I'm not exactly the healthiest person here and I still haven't done all the consultations I need.

What's worse is that my head never ceased throbbing until the last second before I fell asleep last night. And I woke up sweaty despite the rain and the semi-strong wind entering my room. I felt generally ok today; I feel normal, but I'd still feel heaviness in my head occasionally. Until I've had my neuro and hema tests, I would like to believe that I just got burned-out that's why I made a scene yesterday. And that regular dose of iron pills will suffice. And I would still like to believe that even after the neuro and hema tests.

I seriously need erase and rewind right now.